My husband, who usually works from home, left early for a long day of business travel, leaving me and the boy alone for the day. The boy crawled in bed with me at 5:00 am, and we have done absolutely nothing since.
We slept till 10:00. We ate Cheerios for breakfast and lunch. At 5:30, we're still in our pj's, side by side with our laptops on my husband's desk. Doing nothing.
We haven't even opened the blinds.
"Today is so relaxing that it's like a rainy day," says the boy.
"Yes it is, son." Healing rain.
It's a stark contrast to yesterday. Yesterday, I came home from church and went straight to bed until this morning. I was sad.
"Your depression is getting worse. What we're doing isn't working. We need to do something else."
"It's hard for me and the boy too."
"I miss my family. I want my wife back."
I know. I know.
Crying is better than laughing. It blotches the face, but scours the heart.
Consider my heart scoured. Steel wool raw and tender new. Depression has always been a fact of life for me, but this year has been hard. Very hard.
"I won't be the same person when this is done," I tell my husband. "Nothing is the same as it was."
I can't walk out of this wilderness unchanged. But I can walk through it with the hope that the change will be good.
"The kingdom of heaven is like a mustard seed, which a man took and planted in his field. Though it is the smallest of all seeds, yet when it grows, it is the largest of garden plants and becomes a tree, so that the birds come and perch in its branches." Matthew 13:31-32
The mustard seed is not scared of change. It just rests in the soil right where it falls. Rests. It does not struggle, but simply soaks in the rain. Healing rain. In time, when the seed is filled with the living water, it's hardened shell will yield.
This is my story. Do you recognize it? Maybe it's yours too.
A mustard seed, that's all. We can do that.
May the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace as you trust in Him, so that you may overflow with hope by the power of the Holy Spirit. Romans 15:13